So, I have been going back in time. I feel like my life is a time capsule which I open every decade or so. It’s amazing seeing myself in retrospect. I ask myself sometimes why I attempted to (and obviously succeeded at!) documenting so much of my life. It’s been in me, always, this recording and keeping track.
I am presently reading a notebook that has my writings from May 2010. I turned 18 in May 2010, the 23rd precisely. Yeah, and that was my way of telling you all that my birthday is approaching. Don’t say I didn’t tell you oh!
In this notebook, I am reading things that are blessing and impressing me out of the water! And it’s this reading that gave rise to this post.
First, let me back up and apologize for the long spaces in between my posts. I’ve been writing for some time now so I don’t necessarily lack for material. I just sometimes lack the courage. I wonder if I’m ready to wave goodbye to all the good opinions I’ve been riding on. I wonder if this will affect someone the wrong way. I wonder if people will understand that this is what I’m trying to say and not this other thing. I wonder if anyone will be able to relate. I wonder if I’m being too forward. I wonder and wonder and wonder until I feel the seams in my head slowly reaching disintegration point then I switch it off, head to YouTube and watch “This I Promise You”.
But as I read me, I realize that I’ve always desired to speak from my heart, hard as it may be. I’ve always desired to be true, to be authentic, not just a babbling intellectualist. I’ve always longed to be brave with my help, with my love, with my actions, with my conviction. And I’ve always known that truth comes at a cost and honesty requires a price.
Bravery is such a wonderful word, so noble. Look at that. BRAVE. Quite dashing when you imagine it. But it’s price isn’t always so wonderful and dashing. The price of bravery is a risk of losing the world you know for one you think could be better. No one else has seen this world, no one has heard of or even believes in this new world, but you.
Bravery sometimes means uncountable lonely and sleepless and cold nights. Bravery sometimes means that you take a risk believing that this better world you envision is there, and not just a figment of imagination.
And bravery, courage and boldness can only be brought into question when a heart is involved; a personal matter that the brave one carries within himself or herself with so much significance.
I wrote a poem on being brave. I’ll share it in my next post. Reading it brought me to see that if I never get bold, I just may be hoarding the solution of an entire generation. If I don’t take courage, I may never be able to help anyone truly. If I don’t rise up bravely, no one else will hear the stories that I alone could write or tell.
So forgive me for not being brave. Forgive me for withholding such precious substance from you. Forgive me for doubting the Ever Present Strength and Ability that is our God. Forgive me for not writing more because I kid myself that I cannot make a difference. Forgive me…
…and be brave yourself.