Longing for Love

Love is one of the most difficult (if not the most difficult) revelations for the human heart to take. Many say we were made and built for love. Others say that deep within us is the conditioning to love and be loved. However, we cannot ignore the fact that due to life’s hard knocks and tough, impossible situations, millions and millions of people live on the flip side of this love deal. The heart yearns and pines for love. Surges of hope assail us when we hear a love story, fictional or real. Then the memories of a less-than pleasant childhood or a relationship gone sour floats through our consciousness, and that hope begins to die a slow death. The devil makes it so hard for us to believe that we, imperfect as we are, can and should be loved. Plus, we forget that, imperfect as we are, we have deigned to love others at some point or the other and it stands to reason that we could also receive the same love from an equally imperfect person who is perfect for us.

But maybe we’re getting a little bit ahead of ourselves here. 

Maybe it is so hard for us to grasp the idea and reality of love in its fullness and purity, unconditional and flawless, because we have never stopped to fully consider that there is Someone who could (and does) love us unconditionally for real. Of course, everybody knows that God loves them. We all know that, don’t we? Well, at least in our heads we do. We say it without true conviction because maybe it’s a new sin to not be able to say that God loves me. But we have not gotten a hold of the realness of such a love. The possibility of being loved this way is weighty. It breaks and burns the borders of “proper loving”. It messes with the whole program of our insecurity and unworthiness and the promise of us being embraced and changed by such a wholesome love threatens us. We are swallowed whole by the thought of being accepted this way. I mean, it practically causes our minds to snap. 

How do I know this?

The mind is such a weird thing. Weird place. 

In there, somehow, we rationalize and reason every love gift before accepting it, trying in some way to link it to something we have done or not done, whatever the case. So we start acting like Hosea’s Angel (Francine Rivers’ fan club, raise your hands) who decided to do everything possible to be either impressive enough for her new husband or disgusting enough to him. If you can’t earn it, crush it, right? Because, please, boy, how can love be free? Like that? 

Hyaa! Abeg oh!!! 

Too many negative things have made us lose trust in love, yet we want it. 

We yearn for it.

Secretly, we cry for it, and vow that if we have one chance, just one, with love, we will take it.

How about breaking the love triangle, then? Instead of pursuing a guy or girl or mother or father or friend whose love you have to do a lot to earn and keep, how about turning around to learn to start receiving love from Someone who has loved you since before the beginning of time? How about reading His words over and over again until there is a bright flame of hope fueled by an unconditional, I-have-nothing-to-do-with-this love that makes you feel the special, all the romance, all the only-girl-in-the-world feeling you want? How about learning to simply believe and accept that you can be loved, and you are loved and that this love is enough? It is scary (if we’re honest), and we might lose ourselves – but that could be the very thing that saves us. We could be swallowed whole by this love (a whale kind of situation, maybe) but maybe we’ll be spit out in a better condition – not without our eye hair or with gross fish scent but covered and marinated in the fragrance of true love – content, grateful, free, happy, and the very best version of ourselves there could be. 

I’m just sharing an idea, you know. Just saying. Because it’s this type of thing that I need. Na this kind love I dey find, and it’s been right here all along. There is Someone who loves me regardless of me, who is relentless and eager to beautify me with the riches of His love. 

Why say no when yes is the good word? 


When Honour is Worth It

For the longest time, my parents have tried to get me to leave Makurdi. It used to be their thing, taking turns to “badger” me to leave. At some point, even I was at a loss as to why I didn’t want to go. True, I had work and church and I was just beginning to love the town. But I felt like there was something more pulling me to stay.

A few months ago, I began to respond more actively to the leading in my heart to honour my parents. It may sound easy to some people, but it wasn’t so for me. At least, not in the flesh. I am the one child who has always lived at home. I’ve gone through nearly everything with them. We know one another intimately. I have also been deeply hurt by them; inexpressibly hurt. And coming out of that hurt, the spirit of God started to bring to mind this thought.

At first, it was hard and I had to catch myself many times and change my thinking and my behaviour. But something happened tonight. I made dinner. Not a big deal for some of you, but a humongous thing in my book. And because of the heat and the new population in the house, my mother and her darling hubby, my dad, went out to the backyard. Sitting right behind my window, I heard them and called out, “You guys alright?”

And my mum responds. “Yes, we are. Thank you, girl.”

And something happened to me. Tears popped into my eyes and my heart sighed. A good sigh.

And I realize it’s been worth it. I am so glad that I didn’t take the outs I was offered. I’m glad I didn’t leave. I’m glad I stayed. The blessing we are to one another now makes everything we went through to get here worth it. And I’m happy I didn’t leave because I get to experience the blessing of my parents and their love in a whole new way.

Nothing like it.

My Version of Why I Love My Church, Since I Couldn’t Have My Picture Taken

I was born and raised in a Pentecostal church. When I was 18, I left. I was weary of Christianity at this time, still searching for something that seemed to elude everyone around me, and starting to come off as too judgmental. Was my life going to simply come and go without me doing or being a part of something significant enough to rattle me and turn my world on its axis?

I joined Savannah Ministries in 2014, and it was a rigorous and immature transition. I knew I was meant to be here, but I’d already found a really good church, and therein lay the problem. I transited anyway.

Many people asked me and still ask me why I had to leave my former church[es] and commit to Savannah Grace Chapel Makurdi. They say things like, “We’re all Christians, and church is church.” But if anyone has realized that church just isn’t church, it’s me. Savannah Grace Chapel has rattled me, turned my world on its axis, kept it spinning, and I feel like a child laughing in awe at her Father’s awesome glory and trust.

So, I couldn’t sleep. I got tired of praying. I got restless and hungry, and I began to ruminate over my church, and words I heard on Sunday. Actually, I was thinking about Zac Efron in a movie where he and a divorced mother of one had the hots for each other (don’t judge), and what exactly might have given rise to the legalization of divorce, and how even if it had been a good idea at the time, Satan has funny ways of getting twisted ideas into the minds of people just to pervert good things. And then Sunday floated up from within me, and I heard my pastor’s voice inside me, saying, “But we are changing the signals in the city, operating from the air and changing every contrary thought in men’s minds about our land.”

Because life is spiritual.

And I remembered the words we speak over this land every week in church, and i started imagining us as a force, climbing higher and higher, and uprooting the satellites of the enemy, replacing all his signal sending points with ours.

And I realized that I LOVE MY CHURCH.

My church isn’t just any assembly. We have been ridiculed, mocked, praised and talked about. All of that makes no difference to us. We are rising and letting the Lord fill our hearts with vision for our city. We are the church whose words and prayers will birth the awesomeness that generations to come will enjoy. We are the church who is tearing down the veil of religion, tribalism, division, corruption, selfishness, complacency and tradition in the name of Jesus. We are living a life beyond our lives. We are dreaming for the city until it becomes the city of our dreams. We are looking beyond here and now, taking up the most sacred responsibility in spiritual realms to shape our city. We are taking the time to fit the Promised Land into our systems so that we don’t look back for an Egypt that is long gone.

I am blessed, honoured, and awed to be a part of something that is infinitely bigger than me. I am delighted beyond words to contribute to eternity with my own stroke of eternal life. I am so much bigger on the inside, and I feel the words we speak swallowing up and crunching into oblivion the darkness that has long shadowed us.

My church has made me love my land. My church has made me embrace my land and open myself to God’s plan for her. My church has enlarged my heart. So, as much as I utterly respect and honour all churches that honour Christ in one way or the other, my church isn’t just any church.

Makurdi is my city, and my church is one of the lights that makes her come alive.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

The Woman Soul

I spent the better part of last night reading about woman. Feminine stuff. Somehow, it didn’t exactly register that today would be the International Women’s Day celebration. Which is equally odd because my dear friend, Ochanya, went for the celebration in Lagos and I texted her last night about how non-coincidental her trip was in the light of the things we’ve been discussing. In addition to being my friend, she is also the leader of our ladies fellowship in church.

There are times when revelation will hit your heart like a lightning bolt. Other times, it will steadily seep in and grow in measures, becoming like the nagging thought you cannot get away from. The second is what’s been happening to us.

For a long time, we thought it was uncool to be a girl. At least, I did. I hated the feelings and attributes that came with being a girl. It felt like life was fun for the boys only, and girls got no end of the stick at all! For many reasons, I wished out loud and in my heart that I was a boy.

In the last few years, though, it seemed like God was trying to steer me back to His purpose of creation. My pastor would sometimes talk about the possibilities of the life of a woman, and he always gets me going when he talks. And so I’d start thinking about it.

God used some of those words to start me on a journey that I’m now enjoying. A journey into the truth of who He made woman to be; who He made me to be. “Male and female He created them,” the Bible says. “For thou hast created all things, and for thine pleasure they are and were created.”

There’s a reason I was born female, and God is already satisfied with that.

It was never God’s plan for us to hate ourselves, fight ourselves, and seek to change our intrinsic identity. That is the devil, as has been since the Garden, waging against us. It is the devil that orchestrated every attack against the female creation of God in order to make us see ourselves as anything but God’s beautiful and purposeful creation. Every attack against femininity, including secular femininity which in many ways wars against the original design of God, is an attempt of Satan to put down the feminine soul and deprive the earth of the beauty, grace, anointing and help we were designed to impart.

Dear sisters, don’t let him anymore. May your eyes be open to see that your one true enemy is Satan the devil, not the other woman. He is the enemy of our souls, and our Saviour has defeated him. But we must stand in thus victory everyday, letting the triumph of the Cross and Grave wash over the hard things we experience in womanhood, and rising up in the Resurrection with a victorious word in our mouths that we have been redeemed from the curse of the law!

Remember, the weapons of our warfare are not intellectual or sensual, not consisting of militating for rights that we own by divine appointment already. They are mighty through God to the pulling down of mindsets and old pictures which have framed our perception, bringing every thought to the obedience of Christ.

Happy Women’s Day. Enjoy the liberty of being feminine, enjoy the liberty of being you!

Uncluttered: Are Your Insides Tidy or a Junkyard?

Proverbs 4:23

Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life.

I’m not a neat freak, but as much as I can manage, I like tidiness. I like to be tidy. I don’t usually measure by inches and metres the placement of objects and ornaments in my room, but I like a semblance of order.

I remember when it all began for me. You see, I was an untidy child. It was so bad that I could hardly tell my neat clothes from my soiled ones because I never separated them and I never folded. How yucky is that? Anyway, my sister, Unekwu, returns from university for a certain holiday, and I am her target. I hated her. She made me wash and fold…all the time. I hated it. I dreaded it. She’d say to me, Ele, your wardrobe is making the room stink. It’s making you stink. And dirt bugs will love you. Have I mentioned how much I hated her? I was an 11 year old being forced to grow up. Ugh. I didn’t want to.

But guess what? By the time I turn 16, I’m mentally thanking her for the training. She helped me learn to do away with clutter. And it was a good thing. I began to dislike clutter too. When I’d walk into an untidy environment, my first instinct would be to start to pickup and clean up.

More than that, I began to like the fact that when I returned home after a long day, I would return to a tidy room and a neat kitchen, and I wouldn’t have to go through a rigorous process to figure out anything.
I liked the fact that walking about in my room at night wasn’t hazardous; I knew where everything was situated and I could navigate seamlessly in the dark.

I liked the fact that the house was a lot freer and more airy in a tidy state than in an untidy one. It generally promoted the lightness in the atmosphere.

I’m finding that our heart is a lot like our bedrooms, our closets and our kitchens. It’s where we live from, after all. When we don’t learn to tidy up, we leave room for unwelcome guests. We open the door wide for rats, roaches and arachnids to come in and dwell in relative comfort. I’ve never seen a roach or a rat in a tidy kitchen. I mean, a kitchen that’s known for tidiness. Things are in their rightful place, dishes are well done and stacked. Cupboards and drawers are always clean. Even the kitchen hater will want to cook.

When a heart is cluttered and untidy, it’s actually quite difficult to be unconfused. One can’t seem to find things when they need them, and you seem to always be missing something. Underneath the layers of junk and dirt, it’s always a chore to try to pick out sound counsel. And it’s even harder because you can’t tell whether what you’re thinking and deciding is neat or not: you never wash and you never fold. Age old crap still resides in there, so when new stuff comes along, you dump it all in, and in no time, you can’t differentiate. All the ideologies and mindsets that you are guarding are keeping you from actually putting the Word of God first, so it’s lying around on the floor…somewhere. And the cluttering continues.

Without clutter, there is clarity. Vision. Insight. Contentment. Strategy. Execution. Without clutter, there is peace.

Shouldn’t you do some uncluttering today? This week? This year? Stay tidy in your heart and guard the precious gift of God’s word and the Holy Spirit. That peace is enough to keep you happy.

All photos (including featured image): Pinterest

Only God

Only God could Father us

For only He could understand us

Only He made us

With really no help from any of us

He truly gets us

Our hearts and minds

Our fears and tears

Our ambitions and suspicions

Our anxiety and anguish

Our insecurities and pride

Our lies and our hurts

Our pain and our gain

He gets why we lie

He gets why we cry

He gets why we turn away from each other

He gets why we faint

He gets why we sulk

He gets why we draw smaller circles when our hearts break

He gets why we criticize

He gets why we judge

He gets the us that is inside us that we don’t know is in there


I don’t know if He gets why we resist Him

For only He could Father us

He is our light…

If you knew what this light is;

Who is within this light

He is our Answer

He is our Peace

He is our Righteousness

The sense of justice and peace

the kind that calms the soul

The sense of rest and belonging

the kind that silences restless hearts

The sense of wholeness

the kind that emboldens a man

He is all of that and more

To us

He makes wars to cease

Even in hearts and souls

He breaks bows of division and arrows of bitterness

He unites in love and understanding

He does things to a human heart

that the human mind will never understand

Only God could Father us

Only He could love us

and only He can teach us true love.

[Photo: Domino Images with permission from Serah Nwaezeapu]


Here’s what they told me: they said, “Ele, you don’t understand because you’ve never been a parent.” They said, “One day, when you have children, you will understand and relate.” They said, “You should understand that they want the best for you.”

So I waited. To become a parent. So I could maybe understand exactly what they are saying. But I decided to do a trial run with my nephew. And I realized that they lied to me. They spoke of sentiments of the selfish human soul, not of charity begotten in the new heart of righteousness. Because as I looked upon Muna’s face, day in and day out, I was gripped so hard with a desire for him to grow to be exactly who God saw in His heart when He gifted him to his parents. I sent up silent pleas and prayers that this child would turn out to be a man of conviction, and whose way would be made steady by the Lord. And, I prayed that his parents would have the courage to let him be who he was made to be.

So, no. I truly do not understand. I will probably never understand. I hope I don’t.

I pray I turn out to be the kind of parent or parent-figure who, silently or otherwise, expresses and lends her support to any child following after Jesus and the calling on him or her. I pray I become the kind of parent who shows in word and in deed that God is love, light, and good. I pray I become the kind of parent that my children will be thankful for at the end of time, not just in earthly inheritance but for spiritual legacy. I pray that my children, four to ten generations after me, will be God-chasers and world changers, ever supporting the cause of local churches, other believers and the expansion of the Kingdom.

And that will be my future effectively changing my past.

And that will be my legacy.

And it will be worth it all.

Love and Loss


Did you ever hear the story of the guy and the girl who met, and the guy fell in love with the girl, but she fell in love with someone else, and he always hoped she might realize that he loved her and come back to him, but she never did, because the guy she fell in love with was a really great guy, not a punk or a loser, and he really loved her back, and she married him and they lived happily ever after, and her other guy friend just remained…there. Well, I just made it up, actually, but living in a world like ours, you must have heard some variation of this story once or twice. Many times, when we love and we do not get loved in return, it’s a shattering experience. There’s so much conflict generated, sometimes bitterness stops by, resentment and anger, and for some others, withdrawal.

So often, when we lose, the memories of the times we gained seem to fade into oblivion and all our faculties focus on this one loss of love. That’s just a trick of the devil. On my most recent “loss”, I had quite a struggle. It was so crazy that I felt like I had never known love before. Things like bitterness, resentment and confusion that were so alien to me began to be familiar. I felt so many things I had never felt before, in degrees I never imagined I could feel, and it was all I could do not to give in. Suddenly, memories of every loss I’d ever experienced came flooding back and with them, more of these feelings. For the first time, I knew what people felt when they’d say they couldn’t forgive. Truthfully, it scared me to my bones. I couldn’t be this person. I could see how so many others who had let these foreigners fester turned out, and that was the worst fear of all. I had two choices: seek God, forgive and let Him heal, or don’t forgive, keep fighting, and fester for the rest of my days. Easy choice, as I’m sure you can tell. Well, easy in the sense of the results I could foresee, not necessarily the process. So I started seeking, and boy, did I seek.


One of the things I had to confront in this period of my life was the ugly face of unforgiveness. I had seen it in different ways before, but this face was one I couldn’t seem to defeat. It had pitted me against myself. I just couldn’t seem to forgive myself. I could let others go, and I was doing so, but something wicked in my head just kept telling me how it was entirely my fault…for loving, and expecting, hoping, yearning to be loved back. He was using my desire, a legitimate desire, against me. I began to detest myself for not being strong enough to “walk away” (I don’t even know what people mean when they say that anymore). I began to wish I had never even loved in the first place, but even that didn’t make me feel better. I was bitter toward myself, and I wasn’t about to let Ele off the hook for getting me into trouble with all this loving.

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt that giving your heart away was a mistake? Have you ever felt like you gave yourself to the wrong person(s) and what they gave you back was your own fault?

After weeks and months of seeking and searching (and more of which continues still), I realized that love has so much more to do with my heart than it does with the response of the other person or people. Love is God, and if He must transform my heart and my mind and my orientation, then I must experience love. Not just when it is good, but also when it is crazy and hurting and painful. The end is not a sadistic tendency in God’s mind, but largeness, an elasticity that takes you beyond the realms of this earth and into the realms of God. I confess, many times, it feels nothing like you imagine “supernatural” feels. But that’s where you’re headed when you love. I began to see that it may not have been God’s intention for me to lose, but I could look at it as a win, too. I won so much on the inside. I learned to love beyond myself. I learned to forgive especially when it would have been so much easier to get mad, bitter, and walk away. I learned that it is okay to be vulnerable sometimes. I learned not to judge, because all men are fallible. I learned to have compassion on even those who are bitter and angry, knowing that they’re really just hurting and need the love of the Father as much as I do. I learned to be silent in Zion, offering prayer and praise from deep within the broken places within me, and trusting Him, my Father and my King, to make beauty out of the things I simply couldn’t understand. I learned to not let one event mark my entire existence; so I had to get up in the morning, smile at other people genuinely and get work done to bless others in spite of whatever was going on inside me. I learned to listen and understand the silent sounds within. I learned the value of true friendships I may never have known otherwise. I learned to be a more balanced individual, not living on a high or a low, but on the equilibrium of God’s peace and calm delight. I got a glimpse into the heart of God and I was completely sucked in at the wealth of love in there, not just for me, but also for the ones who make mistakes…because we all do. I got a glimpse into the truth of his MAKING; to realize that love isn’t just a means to an end, LOVE IS MY LIFE and no matter how many times I lose, I WILL BE UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING ELSE BUT LOVE.


I want to share some of the words that helped me and gave me perspective in this time:

“Falling in love is a gift from God.” – Reverend Arome Emmanuel Adah

“Wise [women] hold on to God’s promises, His faithfulness, His character, His love, His forgiving power, and His plans for their futures. Foolish [women] hold on to bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, pain, fear, jealousy, disappointment, hatred, turmoil, and the past.” – Lisa Bevere

“Because of all that God has done, we now have a new perspective. We used to show regard for people based on worldly standards and interests. No longer. We used to think of the Liberating King the same way. No longer. Therefore, if anyone is united with the Liberator, that person is a new creation. The old life is gone – and see – a new life has begun! All of this a gift from our Creator God, who has pursued us and brought us into a healthy and restored relationship with Him through the Liberator. And He has given us the same mission, the ministry of reconciliation, to bring others back to Him…He charges us to proclaim the message that heals and restores our broken relationships with God and each other.” – 2 Corinthians 5:16-19 (The Voice Bible)

In the end, losing is just a perception.


“My Life is More”


I am a total fan of the TV Series, One Tree Hill. I know it’s completely 2007, juvenile, and for teenage girls, but you can’t blame me. I was a teenage girl when I first saw it. Yes, first, and yes, I have seen it more than twice. In fact, I am currently watching it again. Ha! I like to watch movies with perspective, which is why I watch it more than once. That way, I can look out for what I missed the first time when I was too emotionally involved to be objective about anything that was going on.

Anyway, I am watching One Tree Hill all over again, and paying more attention than I did the last time, trying to see and hear beyond the opinions that my clique of friends expressed when we all saw it together. I am at a certain point in my life, so it seemed only natural that I would be looking to draw something meaningful even from such a drama filled series.

Season 3 has the Naley Reunion (Nathan Scott and his wife, Haley). They need a reunion because Haley left on tour in Season 2 after an ultimatum issued her by Nathan, and she eventually came back after a long time but they have been separated ever since. Trying to get back together is one of Haley’s major goals. So I am watching this scene and Haley has won Nathan in a game called “Fantasy Boy Draft” where girls pick guys they like and/or want and take them out. Haley, in hopes of reminding Nathan about the early buddings of their love in order to help him decide against an annulment and stay together, organizes a date. Of course, interruptions from the aggravating Chris Keller and an irritated Brooke Davis crash some of her plans, but she isn’t to be deterred. At some point during the date, however, Nathan says that he wishes they never got married because it feels he forced her into something she didn’t want. Naturally, Haley is taken aback. When she questions him about it, his response is that he feels Haley would’ve had so much more in her life if he weren’t there to keep her restricted. Then she looks at him with those expressive eyes that are full of love for the man Nathan is (even though he is still 17), and she tells him how she broke down on tour, in front of a crowd of 3,000 people, to the sound of “Missing You”, because she realized that it all meant nothing without Nathan. And then she says to him, “You’re right, Nathan. Maybe this wasn’t the life I would’ve had. It is so much more…with you.” Or something like that. Haha. It is a total “Naley” moment, and it has the desired effect on me (I am a true romantic!). Her reply takes me somewhere that is entirely off the set of One Tree Hill. It made me think about sometimes when we meet certain people who eventually become a major part of our lives; people who are anything but safe. They have a bold existence, and by being in your life, they make you really live. Your normal safe life becomes a spectacle, and a beautiful one at that. They make you scream, cry, and get mad, but most of all, they make you love. You become vulnerable, too. Your safe spaces are finally invaded, and nothing is the same. Do you yet understand how elastic your life becomes after love? You cannot be the same person. No, not with actual love. You are stretched beyond the limits of your comfort and your own selfishness into the world of another. Oh, wow. It is the most amazing and humbling thing (albeit scary at times).

Haley did a song at Tric in Season Two of One Tree Hill, and in it she said, “…but if I cry a little, die a little, at least I know I lived…” and this was after she married Nathan. I completely understand her saying her life was more. She wasn’t just thinking of getting by like every other 17 year old at Tree Hill High. Her life was full. Her life was more.


So. Here’s my question: Have you let anyone make your life full in recent times? My dear, you need it. When you look past the ups and downs, the inconveniences, the possible pain (‘cause I can’t lie about that though), the rigour, and even the joy of love, you will experience its power. I haven’t known or heard of anything that could change a life like love. This human heart, it was made for love. We can’t resist it. People who do, they have a hard time of it. The configuration of our humanity is set in love. Love is the singular thing that can reset the factory settings of any human here on earth. LOVE IS FULLNESS. LOVE IS MUCH, MUCH MORE.

Now, if you have loved and lost, that’s a story for another day. However, I would love to give you some perspective on love and loss, so maybe you should look out for when I write about that. I promise you, it’s great perspective, straight from the heart of Love Himself.

Oh, and by the way, you were right. Nathan and Haley are my favourite couple on the show! Haha!

Learning and living love,



Life is an Interruption


Growing up is a wonder. It is so little of all the things you thought you wanted, so much of all the things that never crossed your mind to desire, and even worse, much more of interruptions to the things you thought would go smoothly.

I came to this conclusion some months ago, that life is largely the interruptions in our lifetime. We love to make plans and think big and strategize, and we really dislike being interrupted on the road to the life we thought we really wanted. But do we really hate the interruption that much?

I don’t know about everyone else, but I find that so much of my plans get interrupted by people. Then, I am at an impasse. Should I simply ignore this interruption and fight for my right to continue with my life or should I stop and check on this guy bleeding by the road? Do I really want to go to the Straight Road and meet with this Ananias guy, or do I want to continue on to Damascus because I won’t be deterred from my goal? Do I want to help this bleeding guy carry his cross a while or will I slither surreptitiously through the crowds and quietly sneak into my house?

For all those who think I have no desire to make progress in life (I don’t even know what that means anymore), I have made lists and plans. I have thought and envisioned how to really live that “me” life that will be so shiny and impressive it either blinds you or nauseates you. I have envisioned doing one or two “generous” things to ease any inner turmoil I might feel at living selfishly. I have looked through that telescope of a minuscule life that ends with a few million naira and pounds that will probably, at best, see my kids through tertiary education (maybe not in Harvard, and definitely not if I have more than three kids). I think these things too.

But I have also stayed up nights, restless, struggling against the nudging in my heart. I have lain awake arguing with the voice in my heart that insists on interrupting the perfect life I want to make for myself. I have looked where that whisper is pointing, I have seen the interruption. I have seen the storms, I have seen the pain, I have seen the misunderstanding, I have seen the hardness involved. But I have also seen the impact. I have seen the love. I have seen a better and deeper and more fruitful me. I have seen the change that little me can precipitate. I have seen the strength. I have seen the victory. I have seen the adventure. I have seen a difference. So I took the interruption.

It costs me. Oh, man, it costs me plenty. It costs me my precious time. It costs me my money. It costs me my convenience. It costs me my heart. It costs me my rights. It costs me me. And I realize that that may be the point. To shred every vestige of “me” and insert in its place a person who is no longer so fixated on herself and her life that she can love, share and be Jesus to others. And then it becomes less and less a path that costs me, and more and more the life I have chosen.

I love this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to the whisper which is heard by him alone. And Lisa Bevere adds to that: Learn to listen to and for yourself. Don’t ask others to tell you what you alone can hear. Press into God’s whisper deep within your heart and live from that place.

Let me tell you, that whisper isn’t hard to come by. If you read your Bible daily or often, you will always hear that whisper. It will say things like, Hold your tongue. Or, give this or that away. Or, text so and so. Or, correct this sister now. Or, don’t say no. Or, (and this is really hard) don’t say yes. These whispers are barely audible, but they have the power to change us, to change our world, and to cause the kind of change that we may only ever dream about, in us and in others.

If we must grow, if we must live, really live, we have to learn to let the whispers interrupt us.